Sunday marked three months since Alan went to live with Jesus. My heart remembered this before my mind did. It has been an extremely challenging week. Not without the Lord's blessings, for if we are mindful, we see even those in the midst of stress and sadness.

Playing peek a boo with Ava Rosie

I lost count of how many times a flashback of Alan's final days came to my mind and heart this week. Those days were full of suffering in every way.  It makes my heart ache so much to remember, it takes my breath away. I long for the day when it is the older memories of joyful, fun that are the first to pop in my mind.

An old but good memory. Walks on the beach with Daddy were the best.

I realize this will one day be the case, but waiting can be hard. Let's face it we don't like to wait. And, we all have to do it. I don't know what you are "waiting" on. But I know the one who waits with you. I know you aren't alone. I know when it feels like you just cannot take one more step. He is there to light the way, to walk with you and hold you up. 
" Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then, I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy...and I WILL PRAISE you with the lyre, O God, my God."
Ann Voscamp once said, "A crop is made by all the seasons, by letting one season bring its yield into the next."

A quiet moment with the Lord.
 This has been a hard season, I long with everything in me for a season not so hard and yet I remember that when a fire sweeps across a field, the grass grows back even greener. I heard one time that, "Suffering made audible and visible, produces hope." I believe this to be true, when we remind each other who holds the broken pieces and trust that He will produce a beauty that is beyond our comprehension from them. 

A sweet moment with Nate, a rare dinner alone with him.

I had the sweetest moment in church Sunday. We were singing this song and I couldn't help but weep because I knew Alan was singing it face to face with his Savior.

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore Thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the crystal sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before Thee,
Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.

Holy, holy, holy! though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man Thy glory, may not see;
Only thou are holy; there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in power, in love, and purity. 

He is perfect my friends! He is STILL perfect in power, in love and in purity. 

He is a present God! He is God with us!

* Reginald Heber wrote the hymn is 1826. The music was by John Dykes in 1861.

Sometimes in the middle of the craziest day the Lord will pierce my heart with the sweetest truth. 

I have been thinking often of how by man's standards, Alan didn't leave a lot of earthly riches behind him. But, the inheritance He did leave was so very, very rich! 
These kids he left me with are the greatest gift I could ever ask for! I could search the whole world and not find any better. That may sound like bragging, but I assure you it isn't. It is a humble offering of praise to our Father. It is recognition of all the times in parenting Alan and I had no words of wisdom and fell on our knees seeking the Giver of All Wisdom. 

It is a heart that is deeply grateful for the example Alan set before our kids, not of being perfect, but of rising so very early, 3:30 a.m. on many days, to seek God through His word. He did this not to "gain knowledge" but to ask the Spirit to be His teacher. Knowing that life on this earth would require more strength and wisdom and discernment than he would have to give of himself. I have seen that gift of hunger for the Word of God passed onto and living in my children. I get to watch them walk through hard things and yet literally fill every visual space around them to renew their minds with His promises. I get to see them share it with others. I get to see them wash each other in the Word. Life will never be perfect for you or me. But when we know the one who holds our future, when we know who goes before us and behind us, we can take heart. 

Sometimes I feel guilty that I alone am the recipient of getting to see the fruits that have been born in our children. That Alan is not here witnessing this with me.
When I sit in the room with all of them on a daily basis and hear the conversations that flow so naturally among them of the challenges we are facing and what God's word is teaching them about how to handle those, I am overwhelmed!

When I see how they run to each other first with the tiniest bit of good news, my heart is warmed.
When I get to laugh with them daily, sometimes amidst tears, I am filled up.

Our God has been SO good to me and I ask Him often to convey a sense of my deep love and appreciation to Alan. I trust that God has good plans for our future because He is that good! But I could not step into the future without telling our Great God that I am without words to express how thankful I am for His faithfulness in the past and giving me the best gifts He could imagine in all of my children.

To God be the Glory, Great Things He Has Done! 

Blog Post- All About the "Fam" Part 3 : Jake

Just being around this guy makes my heart smile! His mere presence can bring a sense of peace.
It is so interesting to me how when your children are tiny they are shadows of what they are to become. 

When Jake was born I actually struggled some with postpartum depression. It was probably not severe but as I had never experienced it with my previous two children it took me by surprise. I cried often and just felt sad off and on and overwhelmed by life. The enemy was hitting me hard with his lies that I could not adequately care for my three children.
However, the Lord goes before us. It is just like the Lord to know this and bless me with a very joyful and content baby in Jake.  I can hardly remember him without a smile on his face.  There were many times those first few years he would crawl up on my lap and lay his head on my shoulder and make me smile. I remember one day being in my bedroom in tears when he was still small and he brought my Bible to me and said, " Here, Mama, just read this and speak it out loud and you will feel better." I love the faith of a child! Somehow he knew that Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word.

Jake has carried this sweet and simple gift of faith into the present! He seems to be able to see through difficult chaotic situations to the simple truth of the matter,which encourages and reminds those of us around him that God is in control! 
One of my favorite things about Jake is how he makes us laugh! The Word says, "Laughter is good medicine." I can honestly say that sometimes it is the very thing that has made some very hard days of late, bearable. 

If you think about it,  you can't really laugh if you are obsessing over something that isn't going right in your life. It actually takes you forgetting about it ( putting it in the Father's hands) long enough to allow something so pure and funny to overwhelm your heart and produce laughter.  
Jake has had to do some hard things this past year. He came home at Christmas break from school and his friends to help me physically care for his Dad for the last remaining months of his battle with glioblastoma brain cancer. I could no longer lift him by myself and yet hospice had not yet entered the picture. We were still hoping for a miracle. Jake had also spent the previous few months of the fall traveling back and forth to Chicago with us for treatment. So, I guess you could say his life was not your typical 17 year old's life. 
It is odd to me how sometimes the hardest things we are required to do also produce some wonderful moments. 
I got to watch Jake die to himself over and over and do things that were way outside his comfort zone because he desired so badly to honor his Heavenly Father and his earthly Father. I watched him witness to people on airplanes, comfort me in my tears, create moments of normalcy and laughter for his Dad. I watched him pray in faith for his Daddy's healing and when his prayer wasn't answered the way he wanted, I saw him choose to trust in God's plan when his flesh cried out to be in Heaven with his Dad. I watched him become a man! A man that his Daddy would be so proud of even though he had lost the ability to speak those words or convey those thoughts. 

Life is hard! There are some days I long to have a break from this
"Walking by faith" business. But then I remember these things.....
"Then Jesus told him, You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me."- John 20:29
"For we live by faith, not by sight."-2 Corinthians 5:7
We are constantly bombarded in this life by the world telling us to
 "Live it Up!" 
They are putting their own spin on that and trying to redefine what living should look like. 
But when I feel like this world is spinning out of control. I bring my heart back to the one true constant. 
He is the same yesterday, today and forever! He tells me"living"is by faith and not by sight.

" I will lift up my eyes unto the hills-
   From whence comes my help? 
   My help comes from the Lord,
   Who made heaven and earth.
   He will not allow your foot to be moved;
   He who keeps you will not slumber.

   The Lord is your keeper;
   The Lord is your shade at your right hand.

   The Lord shall preserve your going out and 
    your coming in.
   From this time forth and even forevermore."   Psalm 121