When something beautiful breaks and Peace is in our midst.

I never find unbroken sand dollars! Alan always did. He was much more patient than I was. But, today as I walked along the beach looking on my right and left, I glanced down and in a pool of standing water I saw a small perfect sand dollar. I gently picked it up and held it aloft the rest of our time on the beach, carefully protecting its delicate beauty.

However in the throws of washing off sandy feet, ordering lunch, holding Ava and going to the bathroom , I inadvertently stuck it in my pocket with another shell. You guessed it, it broke! I discovered it awhile later when I was searching my pockets for something else. I was SO sad!

But, as I picked all of the broken pieces out of my pocket trying to see if it could be pieced back together, the inside of the sand dollar turned up in my hand. The oh so tiny, but very present ” dove of peace”.

And the Lord reminded my that when beautiful things are broken there can still be peace in the midst of it all.

As I walked the beach for the first time without my love, it was still beautiful! I was surrounded by my ” small army” as my kids refer to themselves. I still felt the presence of the Lord. I carried His peace within me… as well as the pain of missing Alan’s hand in mine.

The Lord sees it all. The Lord knows it all!  He alone makes the broken pieces beautiful and pours out His peace in the midst of it. He is with us! He is good! We are bruised but not “truly” broken.  So we breathe, and with every breath we give thanks!

Shards of light that pierce the darkness...

We pulled out of town late yesterday afternoon. Leaving on the spur of the moment with thrown together plans. We knew we needed to leave, to rest, to be together, somewhere else. Making new memories, remembering old ones together, without an agenda,we were just listening to the Spirits voice calling us to come away with Him and ” Be still and know” that he is God.

Reality is just beginning to sink in. Looking in from the outside it may seem that we are at the end of something . But for us it feels like just the beginning. I was thinking of the name of this blog that the Lord put on my heart so many months before I started sharing. “Bruised but not Broken”, like a bruise looks so much worse before it gets better, in some ways our hearts feel so much worse. We KNOW all the things. We BELIEVE! He is good! He is faithful! He won’t leave us or forsake us! He is being glorified! We are being changed from the inside out. AND… our hearts are aching. I can’t remember the last time my chest didn’t physically ache. Sometimes it is a dull tightness and sometimes it so fierce I can’t catch my breath. I think that it is important to be honest. This life the Lord gave us is so real and deep and rich. We aren’t meant to roll with the punches so to speak. We aren’t meant to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We do know that life goes on. Dishes still have to be washed, there is laundry to be done, death certificates have to be mailed, accounts changed. And yet, if we don’t take the time to “Be still and know” and  to listen to all that the Spirit has to tell us, to constantly share our hearts with each other, the aches, the joys , the questions, the answers that His word gives us. Then we are cheating ourselves of all that He would have us take away from the experience. 

So today we embark on a time of listening. We are headed to a beautiful place, courtesy of the Lord, to “Be still and Know”. We are headed there via some very dear friends home, who have fed our bodies and our souls. Who have laughed with us and  cried with us and prayed with us. While we are here, we are still catching our breaths. We are trying to swallow and we are letting the shards of light pierce the darkness as we let our Great and Mighty God begin to heal our hearts!

 To God be the Glory, great things he has done!

When joy and sorrow meet and birthdays spent in Heaven.

Today I woke up sad. For the first time in over a year I didn’t get to wake up and give my husband a kiss and start his daily care. That could be as simple as making him breakfast and giving him his meds or it could be giving him a shower, dressing him, brushing his teeth and feeding him.

No matter what it looked like, I relished the time spent with him. It was not my gift to Alan, rather it was God’s gift to me, to care for him.  It was one of the sweetest gifts I have ever been given. Alan was so sweet and patient with my care. I probably fumbled things at times,bumping his toe, not giving him those long, long showers he loved,  I know I squeezed the toothpaste tube wrong when I brushed his teeth.  :) He would always just pat me.

Long after his words were few or nonexistent he would gently pat me as I cared for him. The best ” I love you”  I could imagine.

So today I feel sad. I know that sadness is for ME and so I won’t camp out here. But , I miss him, and ” It’s okay”. It is his birthday today! He is 47 years old. He may be celebrating it somewhere else and we will bury his physical body today. But Alan lives!! As my Jake said, ” Mom , this will be Dad’s best birthday yet! God wanted to give him the BEST gift this year.”

So we celebrate him! We miss him! We rejoice that the Lord chose him to be ours for a little while! We rejoice  that he is with his Father! When the sadness overwhelms our hearts we will refocus the ” lens” of our hearts on what amazing goodness he must be participating in today and we WILL give thanks! In all things we will give thanks!

Happy Birthday my love!

What is Trust and what does it look like at the end of a long road?

Trust is the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone.  In Isaiah 2:22 it says, ” Don’t put your trust in mere humans. They are as frail as breath.”

Jeremiah 17: 5 This is what the Lord says,” Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans , who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no HOPE for the future…. BUT Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by the “heat” or worried by “long months of drought.” Their leaves stay green and they NEVER stop producing fruit! The Father says we will be known by our fruit. Our fruit tells who we are and who we belong to. ( Matt. 7:20)  The Father also says He cuts off the branches that don’t bear fruit and even prunes the branches that do bear fruit. ( John 15: 2)

We long to be that tree planted by water whose roots grow down deep. We want to be that fruit tree that bears more fruit each year. That is literally bent over with the weight of produce hanging from it’s branches! Ah, but the pruning process hurts. The tearing away of the wood from the tree is not painless. Still we have the best gardener. He tends his plants so gently. Giving extra food and water when needed.  When droughts come that would cause us to shrivel up he rains down upon our hearts. When storms come and it feels like our very roots are being pulled up. He helps us hold firm.  He patiently pulls up the weeds that would choke out his truth and gives us space for more growth. He is tender and loving and kind. He is trustworthy. As long as we live on this earth there will be fruit to be produced and branches to be pruned. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ( Matt 7:19)

Producing fruit is why we are here! He is the vine. We are the branches! If we remain in Him and He in us we will produce much fruit! For His Glory!

The kids and I decided a long time ago that we would not put our trust in getting our way but rather we would put our trust in a gracious Father who can do all things and has good plans for us! We serve a God that is bigger than we are! His ways are not our ways and His wisdom is beyond compare.  No experience on this earth is wasted. He loves us too much to  not use everything for our good! Everything! While we trust that He is for us, we also trust that He is being glorified! We trust that fruit is being produced in His kingdom.

Romans 14: 7 states, “We don’t live for ourselves or die for ourselves.If we live, it’s to honor the Lord. If we die, it’s to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die we belong to the Lord.”

This week has been HARD. There is no other word for it, change is hard. We know that as believers that death has no victory and no sting! Praise be to God! We exchange an earthly dwelling that has been temporarily ours for a Heavenly dwelling forever. The process of the exchange , the tearing away is what is painful ,AND Yet…Christ is GOOD!

So we renew our minds daily with the Book of Truth. We exchange our earthly mindset for a heavenly one. We give thanks and rejoice!

“I pray that God, the source of HOPE will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust Him. Then you will overflow with confident HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Why the Struggle?

Sometimes it is easy to see purpose in things and sometimes it feels nigh to impossible.

As I was contemplating the “struggle ” of that very thing ,I longed to know what the Lord had to say on that subject. When I contemplate the hugeness of a simple thing , like being able to freely go pick up The Word and see what He says, it causes my heart to tremble. But that is another post entirely. So I flipped to the back of my Bible  and looked up struggle. This is what it had to say…

Struggle is  when there is a violent effort or exertion. You must proceed with difficulty or great effort ,sometimes in the face of opposition.  That feels like this whole last year for us.

Paul struggled. I struggle. You may struggle, with a truth or obstacle or difficulty in your path.

Paul said , ” Physical training is good ,but training for godliness is much better,promising benefits in this life AND in the life to come.  ( I LOVE to think about the benefits we have in the life to come.) This is a trustworthy saying and everyone should accept it. THIS is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our HOPE is in the Living God who is the Savior of ALL people and particularly of all believers.

For those of you who know Alan well you know that he has always been very diligent and disciplined in his physical training. He always had some sort of workout regimen since we met in high school. He also believes in doing everything to your best ability. The man loves anything physical. He loves water skiing, armwrestling, snow skiing, weightlifting, crossfit and so much more. He is one of those people that looks into something that he may not be good at or hasn’t done before and proceeds to study it and work at it until he becomes one of the best at it.

Up until a few months ago he was still walking the steep hill behind our house. It didn’t  matter that his right food wasn’t working properly  causing him to drag it behind him or that he would fall. He kept walking because it is what Alan does. He works hard to do his best in all things for the Lord. That was true of physical training and even more of spiritual training.

Alan is quiet and he would normally object to me sharing about him personally but life this last year has changed our normal tendencies. In fact he told me this year that now , more than ever he realizes that our primary reason for being here is to live for  and teach Jesus to everyone around  us.

Alan would want you to know that no matter how much he pursued physical training, it was training in righteousness that he desired.  About 20 years ago Alan was challenged to read through the Bible in a year. He took that challenge and it changed his life. Yes, he had read it off and on his whole life and had been a believer for many years. But , this time was different. He prayed that the Spirit would be his teacher. He opened his heart and mind to read it anew without preconceived ideas. His desire was not just to gain knowledge but to be changed from the inside out. He knew  that in order for it to make lasting changes he would need to pursue it on a daily basis ( like his workouts). It needed to be his daily bread. It did become that. The kids and I have been the greatest beneficiaries of this conviction and discipline that Alan instilled in his life.  We benefitted not because he became a perfect man ,but rather because he demonstrated on a daily basis where he drew his strength, wisdom and guidance from, the living Word of God. He became passionate that those around him know where they too could draw their strength. It is one of the greatest gifts he has given us, his family, to point us daily to the Word of God.

So as I gaze at ” my love”, Alan, across the room I realized that he would want  you to know ,on this day that we celebrate Love  , that whether you have received a Valentine or whether you haven’t , please KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that You Are Loved! You even have a Valentine waiting to be opened!  His precious Word, that brings life to all.It might not look like the world’s Valentine’s but I promise, it is SO much better! May we all find the fullness of what our heart’s long for, in HIM!

“For our  light affliction, which is but for a moment , worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weigh of glory.” 2 Corinthians 4:17

It's Okay!

Unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. ( Matt.18:3) What does it look like to view the end of life’s journey through the eyes of a child? Or should we call it the beginning of life’s greatest adventure. It feels like we are on the cusp of “something”.

To most it seems as if we are at the end of something but just suppose we are really at the beginning. Beginnings are exciting! Okay, I must admit they can be a little scary because they are filled with the unknown. But maybe its more like the kind of scary you feel right before you ride a roller coaster. It is full of the unknown, we haven’t ridden this one before, but we know that it is going to be good. We will experience the greatest thrill of our lives.

When I watch Ava she teaches me so much. Every day she walks into our house with a sweet smile and burst of energy. Ready to meet whatever the day holds for her with great joy! 

She runs, plays, laughs, cries, she seizes the day! She is always up for the next adventure set before her. When something doesn’t go her way or she feels unsure, she runs to her mom and dad for reassurance.  She is the embodiment of HOPE!

As she goes about her day in our midst, she pauses in her play to touch her Pa, lotion his feet, give him a kiss. Almost always she accompanies it with two words, ” It’s Okay.”

Small and simple words but they carry such weight! ” It’s Okay!”

It’s okay now and it will be tomorrow! It’s okay for Alan and It’s okay for us ( his family).

Why is it okay? How can this be? Maybe because even though it seems like we are at the end of something and endings are sad. We really are at the beginning of something. The greatest adventure to come. Life with Christ! What we were created for. Maybe because we know the one who holds the future, and we are in His Hands! When our hearts grow weak and we are unsure of this truth,like a child, we run to our Father and he reminds us. You were made for so much more, I alone number your days, For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you to give you HOPE.